Stop Expecting Things From People That They Haven’t Given Themselves
I recently came upon a statement on my socials, and I had to take a moment because the truth was piercing. The statement said:
Stop expecting honesty from people who lie to themselves.
And to be honest, that got me thinking. How many of us go about our lives expecting things that we have not given to ourselves? How many of us get into relationships expecting stuff we have not offered to ourselves?
So you haven’t worked out what you want, you haven’t set up boundaries, and you’re probably not even honest with yourself, but you believe that things will work out? That you’ll be rewarded for your vagueness? Get serious.
Most people are afraid to be specific and clear about their goals/wants because it helps avoid conflict. If you don’t know what you’re aiming at exactly, you can’t tell when you’ve failed. Most people have the following goals:
- Become fit, healthy and lose weight.
- Find my purpose in life.
- Acquire skills for success.
- Improve my relationships.
I don’t have a problem with goal setting, but the goals above lack one thing. Details. How are you going to become fit? By going to the gym? By changing your lifestyle and your meals? How are you going to do it? How are you going to do anything?
I’d like to mention eight things that some people haven’t given to themselves.
Clear Intent and a Plan
Intent details the why. A plan details the how.
Why are you doing what you’re doing now? Why do you want a relationship? Do you know why someone should buy/invest in your product? If you’re not clear on your why you’ll be just as vague on the how and basically set yourself up for failure.
How are you going to get from point A to point B? How are you going to make it work? Do you know how you’ll achieve any of your goals? If you don’t prepare yourself for the cost of something, chances are that you’ll probably not afford it. Everything has a price, my G! Just think about it.
Get clear on your why, and you’ll be surprised at the number of things you do just because. Challenge your being and ask the hard questions. Get clear on your how and watch yourself achieve your most ambitious goals.
I have a thing against people who can’t keep their word (a verbal agreement) or their obligations. Like why would you say you’ll do something when you know full well that you won’t? I understand getting caught up, but shouldn’t you reach out and explain at least?
If you’re not honest with yourself, how do you plan on being honest with someone else? There are no shortcuts to being your best self. Lasting solutions don’t have a quick fix. If you can’t honour your own commitments, do you think you’ll magically honour those of others? Stop playing. Behaviour doesn’t have a switch. Flick up for good behaviour and flick down for bad behaviour. You’re always signalling to yourself the kind of person you are through your words and actions. Let what you say back up your actions, not the other way round.
Kindness & Love
As you know, we’re more sensitive to negativity than we are to positivity. 80% of our thoughts are negative. Perhaps that’s why we’re so fascinated with black holes. Maybe that’s why negativity is so loud on all media. For all we know, our overlords could be pulling the strings to make sure we’re not kind and loving because how are they going to make money off of us if I love you the way I love me?
The weirdest thing is we expect kindness from people who can’t or don’t know how to give it to themselves. If you’re not kind and gentle with yourself, how will you be kind and gentle to someone else? It’s like I said. Behaviour doesn’t have an on/off switch. We’re all so focused on the outside-in, but our inner world informs our outer world. How you feel about yourself, your being impacts everything else. If you don’t think you’re lovable, you attract people who don’t want to love you. If you don’t believe in your ability to do something, you definitely never do that thing.
Elevate your mindset and be kinder and more loving towards yourself. You don’t lash out at a friend or someone you care for, for messing up, so why do you lash out at yourself? Stay woke!
Commitment & Responsibility
We commit to things all the time, but when is the last time you followed through? When is the last time you actually finished something? We’re so terrified of commitment; it’s weird. Perhaps it’s because we don’t do our homework. Maybe it’s because we’re after what’s expedient, a temporary fix. We can spitball on the whys all day, and we still won’t commit to getting better, to healing our past, to a brighter future.
Commitment requires you to understand your:
why (why are you doing this),
how (how will you do this),
It’ll also require that you have and practice patience, kindness and honesty. You also need to do your homework because some commitments stick with you for life.
Let’s talk about responsibility and how we’ve been able to externalize so much of it to other people, companies, governments and the universe. For some of us, it’s our partners’ responsibility to make sure we’re happy. I could add more weird things like that, but I won’t because I’d like you to think about that stuff. What are some of the responsibilities that you’ve externalized? Don’t you think it’s weird that you only take responsibility for positive outcomes?
We get to play so many characters in life. At one time, we get to be selfish individuals. At another time, we get to be friends. Some of us will be fortunate enough to be partners. Others will be fortunate enough to be parents… If you fail to understand your role, you’ll drop the ball when it changes.
We’re all fuck ups in somebody’s story. Lot’s of things have been said about forgiveness, and I’m sure you know about most of them, but I’d like to pick your brain.
If you’ve never been forgiven, how can you forgive?
It’s weird how so many of us want to give things that we haven’t experienced and give stuff we don’t even have. If you can’t forgive yourself for your own mistakes and blunders, how do you expect to forgive someone else when they slip and make their own? If you don’t know what real forgiveness looks like or feels like, you can’t give it to yourself or extend it to someone else.
You can’t give what you don’t have, and you can’t share what you haven’t experienced.
It’s been said that we live in the age of instant everything. Instant food. Instant communication. Instant download. Instant access. Instant delivery. All these are great things for sure, but it seems we’ve forgotten that everything has a cost. We’ve become so accustomed to instant gratification that we’ve forgotten how to be patient. How to enjoy the process. Why wait for anything when you can find imitations at a swipe or at the click of a button? Why wait to get something tomorrow when you can get it today? Why fix something when you can have it replaced with something newer? Something shinier?
Some of us think that real life is just as instant. Do you really believe that you instant your way into personal fulfilment? Do you think you instant your way into love, honesty, forgiveness or healing? Most things will take time. Why can’t we instant buildings? Instant education? How can we instant things that are supposed to outlive us? So many things are about enjoying the journey because once you get to a destination, what next? If you’ve noticed, people who achieve their goals set even more ambitious ones to enjoy the journey of who they’ll have to become and what they’ll have to do. You are not an instant creation. It takes a sperm 24 hours to fertilize an egg. 9 months for (most) babies to be brought to term. 1 and a half years for a baby to talk/walk. 20+ years of education and experience, and most of us haven’t figured ourselves out. Why do we expect love, freedom, healing, forgiveness, commitment, fulfilment and life to be instant? Take a step back and think about all the things that exist today because someone somewhere was patient and stop rushing yourself. Life doesn’t have a formula. A one size fits all kind of thing. How about you take your time and enjoy the process?
When was the last time you invested in yourself? Got yourself something that’ll actually make you better? You’re so quick to give to others, but who is pouring into you? Investment in yourself will take many forms throughout your life, and you should commit to:
- Take care of your soul. (do what’s right, be honest, be mindful of the energies around you [especially those from you], love freely and forgive completely).
- Take care of your mind. (sleep, exercise, learn new things, experience new things and meditate).
- Take care of your body. (practice proper hygiene, eat healthily, exercise, go for massages, have ‘me’ days, have cheat days, spoil yourself, let someone love you and touch you).
Tomorrow is not promised.
Nobody knows what it takes to be you, and you know how hard things have been. You’ve been through shit words can’t even describe, and instead of showing appreciation, you kick yourself? Why?
Why don’t you give yourself that unconditional love? The kind that flames in the good times and blazes during the tough ones?
We are our own harshest critics, even though no one sees us the way we do. You’re always craving for outside validation because you can’t (don’t know how to) give it to yourself. I can’t tell you how to appreciate yourself, but I can say this:
You matter, and so does every little thing you do. You’re deserving of unconditional: love, kindness, attention, commitment, forgiveness, investment and appreciation.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Remind yourself every day that you’re deserving of all the good things this life has to offer, and don’t forget!
All the things I’ve mentioned here are due every morning and are needed even more on tough days. Find your own way to give yourself these things and give them to yourself every day.